Here were are again at 1am and these are the things that come to mind when I can’t sleep. I’ve been wanting to write an entry about labour, mostly post labour and let those future moms know what nobody told me. Male readers I’m giving you a warning to back away slowly if you’re not into female “things”.
I had been told, as I’m sure everyone has, as it is common knowledge, that labour sucks. And fuck you to all those women who say it was a time where they understood their purpose in life and it was a beautiful experience. Fuck you. It’s the worse pain you can even imagine, and don’t be a hero and turn down drugs. I was trying to be a hero, or insane when I said I wanted the epidural but I’d wait until it got bad before I received it. I was under the impression the epidural wore off after a certain amount of time, so I wanted to wait till the pain was unbearable so I had the pain relief during the worst of it. Once the pain hit, so bad words really can’t describe the pain, I had to get the epidural. I waited so long to get it I was shaking so badly from pain it took the anesthesiologist longer to put the needle in because I couldn’t stay still. So point being, get the damn epidural ya hippie bitches.
I had heard that you can shit while pushing during labour, but that you are so out of it and into the pushing you don’t even notice. Plus apparently the nurses are so on top of it the clean up is super quick. I was fairly positive I’d notice if I shit myself while pushing so I was wary to believe that it’d be like, oops just shit myself, moving along. I’m sure this didn’t happen to me though, but case in point, it either really didn’t happen or you REALLY don’t notice it, so be happy for that.
NOBODY told me about having a total lack of control of your pee hole after you give birth. The night I gave birth I was in my room and I had to pee. I couldn’t walk myself and I had an IV so Tim had to help me get up and to the bathroom. The second I stood up, without warning, the pee just gushed out and to the floor. I didn’t push, didn’t do a thing, it’s like it just fell out. This happened I’d say for at least another month or so, but luckily not to that extent! It Tim ever said anything funny I was screwed, I couldn’t hold my pee in while laughing so I’d piss all over myself. The first month after baby was born we were in Stratford for the day, I had a skirt on and Tim was being his usual hilarious self. Let’s just say I didn’t pack a spare pair of anything and I peed all down my leg. My husband was nice enough to give me his underwear while mine were bunched in a ball in my purse. I could have just had loose vaginal walls or something, but future mamas maybe have a spare liner, underwear or something if you’re far away from home.
The same friend who told me it’s possible to have back your pre baby body also told me you’re vagina isn’t flapping in the wind, like throwing a hotdog down a bowling alley kind of thing after you give birth. I was afraid my vagina would be all kinds of gross and never go back to the way it was. Just to let you know, it does go back to normal! And for proof, unless he’s a dirty liar, my husband says it’s the same as it was before baby.
I’m sure there are a ton more things I could tell you about post labour, and perhaps I could add a few more in future entries. But for now, it’s 1:30am and I’m becoming brain dead. I hope this gives some of you some relief and some of you frightened enough not to have children 🙂