Axed

Oh readers I come to you with a heavy, and pissed heart. Two days ago my boss told me to leave my entire set of keys in my mailbox because her boyfriend had to do something with them. Um ok, weird, but ok. Then tonight I get an email saying this dog walking thing with me just wasn’t working out. Yeah. You read me right, I was fired from the most embarrassing job to begin with. The reasoning: STUPID MOTHERFUCKING BABYSITTER. My boss said I was late three times and she can’t rely on that inconsistency with her business (not word for word, I’m more articulate than she). My babysitter was obviously late more than three times, but the times I couldn’t compensate I had to tell my boss. Remember that blog where I was complaining about my babysitter’s irresponsible lateness? Yeah, that in turn was responsible for me being fired, un-fucking-believable. Also remember when I said I was embarrassed to tell people what I did for a job? Well now I’m even more embarrassed to say I was fired from said job.
So back to the drawing board, job search, job search and pray to Jebus something comes my way. I’m getting a little sick of the luck we’ve been having since moving to Kingston, so I think I’m owed a little something.
Mumma C

Piano man

I thought it would be mean to just have a boring “hey look at me, I’m finally into up to date technology with a Facebook page” as my only entry today. I’ve got to give my new readers a little mmm mmm taste of what they’re getting themselves into *oh god, the pressure of being my hilarious self*.
So there’s this one dog I walk every day and the owners are stuck up snobs who hire people to walk their dog. I realize it seems anyone who hires a dog walker is a snob, but that isn’t the case. We cater to the elderly, people who work (I know, weird right?), and the wealthy snobs. However I believe our company is at the bottom of the totem pole for dog walking businesses in the Kingston area, don’t ask why, just a feeling I have. Anyway, this particular family is never home when I walk their dog, I do occasionally run into their maid though… Yeah, they have a maid. However they have at least one kid who is definitely older than most of my underwear, who can walk across the street without adult accompaniment and is home EVERY time I get there. Um am I the only one who sees something wrong with this picture? You lazy little self important, I’m too good to walk my own fucking dog– GO WALK YOUR FUCKING DOG! This family could be saving hundreds of dollars a month by having their stupid kid do it, but instead they hire someone else to do it. The dog is just as stuck up as the owners. Daily I say to myself that she’s behaving like a stubborn bitch because of who her owners are. If she doesn’t want to walk in a particular direction, you better believe you’re taking the route she wants to, otherwise she’ll just sit and wait till you give in. Bitch.
To add to the beauty of the situation every time I would go to the house someone would be playing the piano. I began hearing the piano before I saw who was playing it, and thought they were quite good, good voice, but played the same damn thing every single time. So this went on for a couple weeks, piano playing every time I went to the house, which was the same time every day. I was beginning to wonder if this person was just doing it to show off when I came around. I forgot about it for a while, but then became convinced when I was maybe 5 meters from the house (who am I kidding, I know nothing of measurements). Lets just say I was out of sight of the house. I didn’t hear anything, but the second I came up to the house the piano man started belting out that same stupid song. So I’m thinking, this person is definitely trying to show off, and for the dog walker, haha, not so cool now are ya? A couple days ago I popped my head in to ask something and it was the kid, with the same singing voice! The kid was trying to impress the dog walker, how sweet. Hey, you know what would really impress me? You walking your own dog!
I had been saving this story and now that it’s out of my brain and into words, it doesn’t seem as funny as it did in my head… Awkwarrrrd.
Hope you got a laugh anyway, new and old readers alike.
Mumma C

Spankin new

I’ve come to the realization that I’m embarrassed to tell people what I do when asked. I should have realized after going to a 90 year olds birthday party with complete strangers and being asked. In this particular situation I simply said I was between jobs, to which someone replied, “Oh that’s fun, keep things fresh and new”. Uh, yea, that’s it, I’m keepin it real, a 27 year old who still doesn’t have her shit together. The shitty thing is that it’s not as if I’m sitting around watching Judge Judy hoping a job will fall into my lap (actually I do watch Judge Judy). As times have changed and you don’t pound the pavement like our parents did, we simply forward our résumé to a company and hope our email address is stupid enough to grab their attention.
While being in Kingston I’ve only had two interviews, and as you all know, did not pan out. So I’ve decided to add a little spunk to my emails to grab HRs attention. I was thinking something like, “hey did you know the bodybreakers Joanne and Hal are on the Canadian Amazing Race, neato” or “I can bench press a grown man, and yes I realize this does not relate to this job in the slightest, just thought you should know”. I only will do this for jobs that I’m way under qualified for or ones I don’t care either way if I get called. I figure it can’t hurt to throw a little of my crazy in there, at this point I have nothing to lose.
Also shout out to my New Zealand readers, safe trip home and thanks for reading!
Mumma C

First day

Good evening readers. I would have written sooner but walking dogs took a lot out of me! I don’t have my usual witty and hilarious post tonight, mostly because it was the most uneventful first day I’ve ever had.

I shadowed one of the three employees at this company, and she was so organized, no room for error kind of girl nothing went wrong during my first day. Usually during my first day at anything I want to throw up the night before, I run through the list of uncertainties and don’t sleep the whole evening. The morning of I want to throw up some more, skip breakfast, probably shit myself a little, and have a tummy ache the entire drive to work. For this job I had zero stomach upsets the night before, slept like a beauty, and woke up only wanting to throw up a little. So all in all I thought this was a great start to my new job. I even woke up on time, didn’t actually have breakfast, but not due to nervous nausea but simply lack of hunger.

Since I’m kind of a loser, last night I went to see where I had to be in the morning so I didn’t have to stress about it the morning off. So this morning I knew exactly where I was going and was there 10 minutes early to meet the girl I was shadowing. We walked approximately 10 dogs in about 5 hours. Most of the dogs were real sweet and made me miss having one, but I also remembered how much I HATE picking up dog shit. Stupid dog. Clean up your own shit. There was a lot of driving, a lot of rules, and a lot of things to remember. Some owners were so ridiculous about their dogs like “she must let you walk out the door first, walk her to the left, leash approximately slacked at 5″ from your waist, don’t let her eat anything near the daycare” etc etc. Some rules I thought were a little silly, and still do, and I’ll probably just end up walking the dog like anyone would walk a dog. Put the leash on, go for a walk… done.

All in all I’d have to say it’s one of the best first days I’ve had. What’s even better is that you don’t have to deal with any people; not many people can say that about their job and you know that’s what most people would love in their job. Now I did get the impression that the schedule is all over the place and I get a new one everyone day, so that seems like it’d be a bit stressful as there’s no continuity to your life. We’ll see how that craziness pans out, but for now I’m getting paid to hang with animals, get a tan and lots of exercise.

Mumma C

I’m dog walkin, yes indeed I’m walkin

So as most of you know I had an interview coming up for a dog walker, yes I’m moving on up to the high life. Typically to a job interview you wear your smartest gear and try to look as professional as possible. With that in mind, what in the hell does one wear to an interview for walking dogs? Typically for an interview, as I’m an expert at these now, I try on a couple outfits, see what Tim thinks, put my every day wear makeup on, do my hair and I’m out the door. For this job I tried on one pair of shorts, they almost made it up to my vagina, yea yea I’m victim to such shorts too, I never said practice what I preach. So those shorts were out, so I ended up with a pair of jean shorts that went to my knees and a nice black tunic. I decided to do my hair because it was looking like a rats nest for the whole previous week; the dogs deserve that of me. I left the hair on my legs for extra effect, and a little mascara so I didn’t look like a total dog…. walker.

Fast forward to the interview. I was there for an hour…yes for an entire hour, but she wasn’t grilling me on my dog walking experiences but telling me how everybody lies to her and there’s a high turnover rate. Seems like my kinda job, I’m a pretty good liar and I switch jobs like I switch my underwear. Oh wait, this isn’t a requirement you say, then why the hell did we talk about this for the ENTIRE interview? Unlike my last two interviews, which I mentioned in another blog I believed to be my best, this interview I barely said two words, just nodded and seemed sympathetic to her horrid workers. So is it the job that’s so bad, or is it the boss I’m thinking, well I had zero time to think about it. She said she had one more interview to do and she’d let me know. I got an email just before writing this saying she thinks I’d be a great fit and I’m hired if I’m still interested. If I’m still interested?? Um, we just met 2 hours ago, should I have ran away by now?

Anyway, I think I’ll take it because it’s a job, and I’m in no position to be turning down jobs at this point. What do you guys think, legit or run away screaming? Now you all can look forward to my future musings of a dog walker.
Mumma C (on my way to the interview below)

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My parents would be so proud

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I had the wonderful joy of experiencing maternity leave, woo woo, getting paid minor ducats for a year to look after my own child. It’s been three months now in a new city, and no job, and let’s just say it isn’t going my way. I’ve applied to countless jobs, went on a few interviews, and nothing. Oddly enough, the interviews I went on I thought were my best interviews to date, but afterwards, not even a call saying, thank you for gracing us with your presence. I’m just a lonely boy, in a lonely world… with no job. My husband said I should start lowering my standards, and maybe suck a dick along the way; I’ve done one of the former. I recently applied for a job as a dog walker with a local business in Kingston, and guess who has an interview? This guy. My wouldn’t my parents be proud, private school tuition, undergrad, and a teaching degree… all so I could pick up poop for minimum wage. I may be scraping the barrel, literally, but a girl’s gotta pay the bills. Besides, if every dog walker movie has taught me anything, and I think it has, it’s the most romantic job; and it’s also how you get rich, handsome men to fall in love with you. Maybe this one can be my side sugar daddy who pays my bills and rent for me, and my dog walking is just a cover.
Let’s hope I get to live out my dream of living the minimum wage life, and playing with all of god’s creatures. Keep you posted !
Mumma C