Tips for not losing weight

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As I stuff my face full of homemade banana muffins at 10 o’clock at night, I thought I should pass on my weight loss tricks to you all. And by weight loss, I mean staying the same, or gaining.
1. Always eat just before going to bed. I always think, my body digests the food while I’m sleeping, no need to stop before 7.
2. If you’re going to eat before bed make sure it’s fatty, building up your carbs at this time is the best time for optimal weight gain… I mean loss.
3. Exercise vigorously during the day so as to totally dehydrate yourself, then stuff your face full of grains and fatty carbs when you get home. And don’t forget to add your midnight snack.
4. If you do exercise, it’s not suggested, but if you must, only focus on one part of your body. Keep doing the same amount and time for that one body part.
5. When you have the time, because I mean who does these days, grab quick, fatty, greasy fast food. I always find this is the easiest way to live and I figure it can’t catch up with my weight gain goals, right?
6. This is an added bonus but have children, it will do wonders for your body. No woman will ever tell you having babies fucked her body, it only enhanced it.
After stuffing those three muffins in my mouth, and enjoying them, I find myself wanting to ralf after writing these tips. Hope you enjoyed a laugh, if it made you laugh, if not, fuck you 🙂
Mumma C

Babysitter care: lather, rinse, repeat

Since the babysitter is finally starting tomorrow I’ve been losing sleep over how she is to eat while here. Is it like every other job where you pack a lunch or am I expected to feed her my own food AND pay her? That doesn’t seem right, paying someone to eat my food, which I already have very little of. Should she eat what the baby eats at lunch, a peanut butter sandwich and fruit, or should she go BBQ herself some chicken? Do I say help yourself to anything, anything that you can find in the corners of the cupboards and the fridge. Is it rude to be like, “bring your own food, don’t want you fainting while looking after my kid”? Definitely need some feedback on this one as I have zero experience with it. The only babysitting experience I have is when my babysitters would look after me in the evening or just after school, and they just ate whatever junk food in the house they could find and used our landline to call their boyfriends. Oh the good old days when the parents didn’t want the babysitter using the phone because if there were an emergency no one could get through, and where you’d be too scared to eat their food but you saw some chips or cake that you just couldn’t pass up.
As a young babysitter myself in the 90s, the era of landlines and stove popped popcorn, I don’t remember ever getting fed during my jobs. But times have changed and I’m pretty sure what we were doing back then was a form of child labor, and we were happy to get paid 20 bucks for an entire days work looking after 5 kids. I did the math, and this is after a little child labor of my own, our babysitter is getting paid MINIMUM 300 a week. 300 a week??? I don’t think I even make that picking up poop! Fucking bullshit right there. I don’t think this girl deserves my food after getting paid more than half the working population of Canada.
Any advice would be appreciated readers! And those on Facebook, please comment here, not on the post as it comes up there.
Mumma C

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