How to have sex when children are alive

ImageThis is a topic I had in my mind for a while and had been waiting to write an entry on. But first to update you all on my life the past couple weeks. I just became more angry before any other emotion after the firing, mostly because I’ve never been fired in my life, and it was something completely out of my control. But on a happy and unexpected note, I had an interview for a support worker at the Y in before/after school programs. Although it’s only part time, it’s a REAL job and I wouldn’t be embarrassed to share with the world what I do. I find out this Friday, so I will definitely keep you guys posted. On a personal note, Tim returned home for a short time, but sadly had to return to London again for an undetermined amount of time. So sirs and I are getting back into our routine and doing our best not to kill each other while daddy is away.
Not that the sex thing is an issue now that I don’t have someone to have sex with. But when my husband is around and in the future when sirs is a human being with ears. Whenever I have this discussion with other parents most of them say they have their children in the room across the hall and just giver. Umm, am I the only one who wouldn’t be comfortable with this? Currently our house is attached to my dad’s, with cement, brick, insulation, etc etc between us, and I’m STILL convinced they can hear us. Now once sirs is old enough to hear us I’m not sure my husband and I will ever have sex again. I figure there are only a few options if I ever want to have sex again- 1) Move him to the basement- beside the kitty litter 2) Get a 6 story house, and he still lives in the basement 3) Wait until he’s out of the house (um at 18?) 4) Send him to boarding school. So as you can tell there are few options and none are viable, shit. Other weird fucking couples may be okay with their children listening to them do the humpy hump, but I’m not one of those freaks. Some of you may say, “Oh, we just wait until they’re asleep”. Um yea, just a heads up, they’re not really asleep, you naive bastards. In any baby books, toddler, etc, or marriage books, I’ve never seen how to comfortably have sex while children are in your house. That’s one thing I’d like to know. Anyone have any suggestions, and not anything I’ve mentioned here.
Mumma C

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Piano man

I thought it would be mean to just have a boring “hey look at me, I’m finally into up to date technology with a Facebook page” as my only entry today. I’ve got to give my new readers a little mmm mmm taste of what they’re getting themselves into *oh god, the pressure of being my hilarious self*.
So there’s this one dog I walk every day and the owners are stuck up snobs who hire people to walk their dog. I realize it seems anyone who hires a dog walker is a snob, but that isn’t the case. We cater to the elderly, people who work (I know, weird right?), and the wealthy snobs. However I believe our company is at the bottom of the totem pole for dog walking businesses in the Kingston area, don’t ask why, just a feeling I have. Anyway, this particular family is never home when I walk their dog, I do occasionally run into their maid though… Yeah, they have a maid. However they have at least one kid who is definitely older than most of my underwear, who can walk across the street without adult accompaniment and is home EVERY time I get there. Um am I the only one who sees something wrong with this picture? You lazy little self important, I’m too good to walk my own fucking dog– GO WALK YOUR FUCKING DOG! This family could be saving hundreds of dollars a month by having their stupid kid do it, but instead they hire someone else to do it. The dog is just as stuck up as the owners. Daily I say to myself that she’s behaving like a stubborn bitch because of who her owners are. If she doesn’t want to walk in a particular direction, you better believe you’re taking the route she wants to, otherwise she’ll just sit and wait till you give in. Bitch.
To add to the beauty of the situation every time I would go to the house someone would be playing the piano. I began hearing the piano before I saw who was playing it, and thought they were quite good, good voice, but played the same damn thing every single time. So this went on for a couple weeks, piano playing every time I went to the house, which was the same time every day. I was beginning to wonder if this person was just doing it to show off when I came around. I forgot about it for a while, but then became convinced when I was maybe 5 meters from the house (who am I kidding, I know nothing of measurements). Lets just say I was out of sight of the house. I didn’t hear anything, but the second I came up to the house the piano man started belting out that same stupid song. So I’m thinking, this person is definitely trying to show off, and for the dog walker, haha, not so cool now are ya? A couple days ago I popped my head in to ask something and it was the kid, with the same singing voice! The kid was trying to impress the dog walker, how sweet. Hey, you know what would really impress me? You walking your own dog!
I had been saving this story and now that it’s out of my brain and into words, it doesn’t seem as funny as it did in my head… Awkwarrrrd.
Hope you got a laugh anyway, new and old readers alike.
Mumma C

Batteries needed

I’m sorry for the delay in writing, it’s been a busy dog walkin week! I’ve had a lot of messages asking what happened with the cleaning after I spoke to the babysitter so this blog will cover her first week, my multiple face smashings, and why I’m a good mother.

So on the second day of babysitting I was going to tell her to clean up after herself, and there were other things I wanted to bring up to her. I made a list of everything I wanted to talk to her about just so I didn’t forget. When it came to the next morning I didn’t have the heart to ream her out on her second day, so I decided to say nothing and see if anything changed. I come home that day and her dishes are clean, baby’s are clean, AND mine are clean. I’m figuring she either saw my notes, or read my blog. I’m a dirty slob and I’m all about, do as I say, not as I do, so I felt really bad that she went that far from reading my notes. So being the good employer that I am I told her she only needed to clean up her stuff and baby’s… um no I didn’t. It’s a week later and she’s still cleaning my dishes, and today she tidied up the entire living room/kitchen area. She doesn’t go as far as a cleaning lady would so I feel I’m not entirely exploiting her. She’s starting to do a great job with my house, and the boy is still alive so all in all I think I’ll keep her. Unfortunately no crazy stories on that side other than I have a new babysitter and “house tidier”.

This week has taken a toll on my face however. Yesterday I was sitting down, yes peeing, and I bent over to pick up toilet paper and smashed my forehead coming up on the sink. Somehow I’m not bruised but it hurts to touch or to make any of my numerous hilarious facial expressions. And today I whacked my nose on something and I’m PRETTY sure it’s broken. If I were a doctor, and I think I am, I’d say it’s broken. My nose is bruised and painful as fuck; if my forehead were bruised too I’d be one messed up looking chick. Tomorrow I’ll probably break my arm at the rate I’m going.

Little sirs has a turtle animal light that shines stars on the ceiling that he just loves to go to sleep with and push the buttons before he falls asleep. It’s been weeks since the batteries have been dead, well who are we kidding, probably months. Once I finally decided to change the batteries for him it took me another week just to get the stupid lid to the batteries screwed off, and that didn’t even get finished. That only got done because my parents stopped in and finished the job. I was like, yes finally can get this thing working again, alas I had no batteries. Yes, I could have gone out and bought three AAA batteries but that seemed like WAY too much work. I only had one thing battery operated in my home that took AAA batteries, so I went to my underwear drawer and took my batteries out. Don’t ever think I’m not a good mom based on this blog, this proves that I’m a great mom, one who sacrifices her own happiness for her child’s. 🙂

Missed you guys, hope you enjoyed!
Mumma C

First day

Good evening readers. I would have written sooner but walking dogs took a lot out of me! I don’t have my usual witty and hilarious post tonight, mostly because it was the most uneventful first day I’ve ever had.

I shadowed one of the three employees at this company, and she was so organized, no room for error kind of girl nothing went wrong during my first day. Usually during my first day at anything I want to throw up the night before, I run through the list of uncertainties and don’t sleep the whole evening. The morning of I want to throw up some more, skip breakfast, probably shit myself a little, and have a tummy ache the entire drive to work. For this job I had zero stomach upsets the night before, slept like a beauty, and woke up only wanting to throw up a little. So all in all I thought this was a great start to my new job. I even woke up on time, didn’t actually have breakfast, but not due to nervous nausea but simply lack of hunger.

Since I’m kind of a loser, last night I went to see where I had to be in the morning so I didn’t have to stress about it the morning off. So this morning I knew exactly where I was going and was there 10 minutes early to meet the girl I was shadowing. We walked approximately 10 dogs in about 5 hours. Most of the dogs were real sweet and made me miss having one, but I also remembered how much I HATE picking up dog shit. Stupid dog. Clean up your own shit. There was a lot of driving, a lot of rules, and a lot of things to remember. Some owners were so ridiculous about their dogs like “she must let you walk out the door first, walk her to the left, leash approximately slacked at 5″ from your waist, don’t let her eat anything near the daycare” etc etc. Some rules I thought were a little silly, and still do, and I’ll probably just end up walking the dog like anyone would walk a dog. Put the leash on, go for a walk… done.

All in all I’d have to say it’s one of the best first days I’ve had. What’s even better is that you don’t have to deal with any people; not many people can say that about their job and you know that’s what most people would love in their job. Now I did get the impression that the schedule is all over the place and I get a new one everyone day, so that seems like it’d be a bit stressful as there’s no continuity to your life. We’ll see how that craziness pans out, but for now I’m getting paid to hang with animals, get a tan and lots of exercise.

Mumma C

You look like my 12 year olds friend

20130623-155227.jpgI often go on rants to Tim about how people should really dress their age, otherwise they just look stupid and they’re not fooling anyone. He says if you like it, then wear it, I say, if your teenager would wear it, you probably shouldn’t. I agree to a point that if it’s something you like then go for it, but there should be some restrictions. For example, I’m all about the neon, transparent and crop tops, it’s bringing back nostalgia for those raised in the 90s… That’s why we wear it 20 years later, right? However when I see girls who are barely old enough to cross the street without an adult wearing said clothing items, I seriously reconsider my taste in clothes. I used to love American Eagle, every pair of pants and a lot of tops I owned were from there. Once I started noticing the reoccurring theme that I was old enough to be most people’s mom shopping there, I once again thought, time to reconsider your wardrobe. Tim always asks when is the time to switch, when do you start dressing like an adult? I figure in your late 20s you should be dressing a little more conservative and not have your shorts higher than your vagina, but that’s just me.
Today I was at H&M, this store by the way is quickly becoming my next “do not enter store”, but I can’t resist. That store is such a jumbled mess of everything I find it like Winners and you really have to search for that diamond in the ruff. So as I’m near the back of the store I come across the band type shirts, some Pink Floyd, etc. Side note, band shirts should not be bought unless you like the band! Anyways, I stumble across a gem of the 70s, a Jaws tank top. I have a long history with that movie and it’s just something one cannot pass up. I snag the last small and happily start walking away, just as a 15 or so year old comes across the same shirt. Damnit. Looks like I’ll be putting this one back on the shelf. I thought maybe she’d just think it was some Shark Week movie and move on, but she kept sifting through, assumedly trying to find a small as well. Mua hahaha, I had the last one. Then her stupid fat friend looks around and finds one on display that’s a small, and the girl holds it up and looks like she’s going to take it. I’m thinking to myself, bitch you don’t even KNOW Jaws, put that shit back and go find a crop top! I was so into this shirt that I couldn’t bring myself to put it back even if someone half my age wore one as well. As I was walking up to the cash I saw the girl again with her hands empty. The shirt was too much for her to handle, so she put it back. So another day, another shirt that perhaps isn’t appropriate for my age, or maybe it’s not appropriate for a 15 year old… Yah, I’ll go with that.
Stay tuned for my interview update tonight!
Mumma C