Tips for not losing weight

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As I stuff my face full of homemade banana muffins at 10 o’clock at night, I thought I should pass on my weight loss tricks to you all. And by weight loss, I mean staying the same, or gaining.
1. Always eat just before going to bed. I always think, my body digests the food while I’m sleeping, no need to stop before 7.
2. If you’re going to eat before bed make sure it’s fatty, building up your carbs at this time is the best time for optimal weight gain… I mean loss.
3. Exercise vigorously during the day so as to totally dehydrate yourself, then stuff your face full of grains and fatty carbs when you get home. And don’t forget to add your midnight snack.
4. If you do exercise, it’s not suggested, but if you must, only focus on one part of your body. Keep doing the same amount and time for that one body part.
5. When you have the time, because I mean who does these days, grab quick, fatty, greasy fast food. I always find this is the easiest way to live and I figure it can’t catch up with my weight gain goals, right?
6. This is an added bonus but have children, it will do wonders for your body. No woman will ever tell you having babies fucked her body, it only enhanced it.
After stuffing those three muffins in my mouth, and enjoying them, I find myself wanting to ralf after writing these tips. Hope you enjoyed a laugh, if it made you laugh, if not, fuck you ūüôā
Mumma C

10 years

I had a few ideas floating around my brain for tonight’s blog, and I settled on the topic of high school. I’ve been very reminiscent of high school recently after one of my old friends told a bunch of us via Facebook that it has been ten years since high school. Immediately what came to mind was Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion, “It’s been ten years since high school? God, where have I been?” “I’m stumped, where?” Where the hell have I been and why am I the first one to have a baby?¬†I know those two thoughts don’t usually go together, but seriously, I’m the last person, I’d thought, to have a baby first. It’s usually a weekly¬†conversation between my mother and I about how much I hate kids, and just last week she said “yea, you’ve always bragged about it”. So how in the sam hell was I the first to go down this spiral of “for the rest of time bound together”?

As you can tell by the photo alongside this blog I think I maybe was a bit of an ugly duckling (grade 10 here I believe). I always seemed to have friends and was never the girl who was picked on, but whenever it’s mentioned in adulthood, they all agree, yea you were kinda ugly. When I show Tim pictures he always says I looked like Ronald McDonald with that hair (it was also permed at one point). I allow my friends from then to now say I was ugly, but back then it probably would have made me crawl into my bunk bed and cry a little. I thought the hair was cool, especially a red perm! In hindsight I suppose it wasn’t the best decision. I also didn’t wear any makeup, or wear jeans until grade 10. One person once said my face looked like a slab of meat; imagine how attractive that skin is.¬†photoI didn’t start looking more or less like I do now until grade 11. My hair grew out, became blonde and bronzer had become my new best friend. At my grad roast, made by teachers (real nice), they said I was the “most likely to sit by the dining room toaster tanning while applying makeup”. Let’s just say I had time to make up for my lack of makeup wearing earlier in my teen years.

Thinking of the people¬†I met in high school can be saved for another type of blog, and another time where someone actually cares. I just wanted to mention one person who just came across my mind while writing this blog because it’s a quick, I think, hilarious story. Just as I was¬†coming into my own, looks wise and confidence wise, I was interested in an older boy who I had a crush on since grade 9. I finally got the courage to start talking to him and hanging around his friends. Long story short, some how I ended up going on a date with his friend and never once with the boy I had the crush on. After a few months of dating, during the summer I went to the guy’s house and he obviously had certain plans in mind. I went into his basement room and he had all the candles lit, and soft¬†music playing in the background. All very sweet and totally the way to get into a 17 year olds pants. I can’t actually remember if we had sex, but I’ll tell you what I do remember. The soft music he was playing in the background was the baritone voice of Toni Braxton. Who the hell plays Toni Braxton to woo a girl? Oh, he also drove a maroon Mazda Miata… ummm lots of questions swirling 10 years later.

Everyone always says college is the best years of their lives, high school for me was the best four years of my life. I had the best time and the best friends. I hope everyone can say the same of their time in high school.

Mumma C