How to have sex when children are alive

ImageThis is a topic I had in my mind for a while and had been waiting to write an entry on. But first to update you all on my life the past couple weeks. I just became more angry before any other emotion after the firing, mostly because I’ve never been fired in my life, and it was something completely out of my control. But on a happy and unexpected note, I had an interview for a support worker at the Y in before/after school programs. Although it’s only part time, it’s a REAL job and I wouldn’t be embarrassed to share with the world what I do. I find out this Friday, so I will definitely keep you guys posted. On a personal note, Tim returned home for a short time, but sadly had to return to London again for an undetermined amount of time. So sirs and I are getting back into our routine and doing our best not to kill each other while daddy is away.
Not that the sex thing is an issue now that I don’t have someone to have sex with. But when my husband is around and in the future when sirs is a human being with ears. Whenever I have this discussion with other parents most of them say they have their children in the room across the hall and just giver. Umm, am I the only one who wouldn’t be comfortable with this? Currently our house is attached to my dad’s, with cement, brick, insulation, etc etc between us, and I’m STILL convinced they can hear us. Now once sirs is old enough to hear us I’m not sure my husband and I will ever have sex again. I figure there are only a few options if I ever want to have sex again- 1) Move him to the basement- beside the kitty litter 2) Get a 6 story house, and he still lives in the basement 3) Wait until he’s out of the house (um at 18?) 4) Send him to boarding school. So as you can tell there are few options and none are viable, shit. Other weird fucking couples may be okay with their children listening to them do the humpy hump, but I’m not one of those freaks. Some of you may say, “Oh, we just wait until they’re asleep”. Um yea, just a heads up, they’re not really asleep, you naive bastards. In any baby books, toddler, etc, or marriage books, I’ve never seen how to comfortably have sex while children are in your house. That’s one thing I’d like to know. Anyone have any suggestions, and not anything I’ve mentioned here.
Mumma C

Tips for not losing weight

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As I stuff my face full of homemade banana muffins at 10 o’clock at night, I thought I should pass on my weight loss tricks to you all. And by weight loss, I mean staying the same, or gaining.
1. Always eat just before going to bed. I always think, my body digests the food while I’m sleeping, no need to stop before 7.
2. If you’re going to eat before bed make sure it’s fatty, building up your carbs at this time is the best time for optimal weight gain… I mean loss.
3. Exercise vigorously during the day so as to totally dehydrate yourself, then stuff your face full of grains and fatty carbs when you get home. And don’t forget to add your midnight snack.
4. If you do exercise, it’s not suggested, but if you must, only focus on one part of your body. Keep doing the same amount and time for that one body part.
5. When you have the time, because I mean who does these days, grab quick, fatty, greasy fast food. I always find this is the easiest way to live and I figure it can’t catch up with my weight gain goals, right?
6. This is an added bonus but have children, it will do wonders for your body. No woman will ever tell you having babies fucked her body, it only enhanced it.
After stuffing those three muffins in my mouth, and enjoying them, I find myself wanting to ralf after writing these tips. Hope you enjoyed a laugh, if it made you laugh, if not, fuck you 🙂
Mumma C

Paper boy & whiners

As I am working now and Tim is out of town my mom has been kind enough to come down for the week to look after sirs while I’m at work. We have made a discovery about baby sirs, which I think I suspected all along. This blog covers parenthood and the crappiness of it, and how sirs is a bit of a whiner… hence why I’m whining online. When I’m not at home apparently Cobain is the most well behaved, quietest, sweetest baby that ever lived. Um, which baby are you looking after all day, because I know my sirs is 1 of the 3 above mentioned. He’ll be playing perfectly content and the second I walk in the door he’s crying and rolling all over the floor, and cuddling his toys. It’s not as if I ignore him when I walk in the door, I drop everything and go right to him and give him hugs and kisses. What.the.fuck. Is it me? Is he suckie with me because he knows he can get away with it? Did he miss me? I’d like to say it’s because he missed me, but even after he gets used to me being around he’s still carrying on being a little bugger and whining. Why can’t we all just get along and not cry when we’re around each other? I’m hoping it’s just something he’ll get over, but good news for babysitters that he’s not as terrible, “allegedly”, as I make him seem.

As part of my super elitist job the odd time I have to deliver our business flyers to certain neighborhoods. Gah. First of all, NO ONE LIKES FLYERS, secondly, it’s awkward as all hell going up to someone’s house when they’re clearly home and trying to run away before they catch you. I had to explain myself to one half dressed man today who opened his door as I was waiting to not get sprayed by his sprinkler; otherwise I would have escaped in time, damn it. Half of what I said was unheard so I had to keep repeating myself, then as I was walking away he told me to take my flyer back. Rejected, and insanely embarrassing. I have to go back to that neighborhood tomorrow as I didn’t have enough flyers. I’m thinking of wearing a mask so people that I pissed off today with my stupid flyers don’t recognize me tomorrow.

The endless joke that is my life continues on…
Mumma C

Urinating- it isn’t for everyone

Here were are again at 1am and these are the things that come to mind when I can’t sleep. I’ve been wanting to write an entry about labour, mostly post labour and let those future moms know what nobody told me. Male readers I’m giving you a warning to back away slowly if you’re not into female “things”.

I had been told, as I’m sure everyone has, as it is common knowledge, that labour sucks. And fuck you to all those women who say it was a time where they understood their purpose in life and it was a beautiful experience. Fuck you. It’s the worse pain you can even imagine, and don’t be a hero and turn down drugs. I was trying to be a hero, or insane when I said I wanted the epidural but I’d wait until it got bad before I received it. I was under the impression the epidural wore off after a certain amount of time, so I wanted to wait till the pain was unbearable so I had the pain relief during the worst of it. Once the pain hit, so bad words really can’t describe the pain, I had to get the epidural. I waited so long to get it I was shaking so badly from pain it took the anesthesiologist longer to put the needle in because I couldn’t stay still. So point being, get the damn epidural ya hippie bitches.

I had heard that you can shit while pushing during labour, but that you are so out of it and into the pushing you don’t even notice. Plus apparently the nurses are so on top of it the clean up is super quick. I was fairly positive I’d notice if I shit myself while pushing so I was wary to believe that it’d be like, oops just shit myself, moving along. I’m sure this didn’t happen to me though, but case in point, it either really didn’t happen or you REALLY don’t notice it, so be happy for that.

NOBODY told me about having a total lack of control of your pee hole after you give birth. The night I gave birth I was in my room and I had to pee. I couldn’t walk myself and I had an IV so Tim had to help me get up and to the bathroom. The second I stood up, without warning, the pee just gushed out and to the floor. I didn’t push, didn’t do a thing, it’s like it just fell out. This happened I’d say for at least another month or so, but luckily not to that extent! It Tim ever said anything funny I was screwed, I couldn’t hold my pee in while laughing so I’d piss all over myself. The first month after baby was born we were in Stratford for the day, I had a skirt on and Tim was being his usual hilarious self. Let’s just say I didn’t pack a spare pair of anything and I peed all down my leg. My husband was nice enough to give me his underwear while mine were bunched in a ball in my purse. I could have just had loose vaginal walls or something, but future mamas maybe have a spare liner, underwear or something if you’re far away from home.

The same friend who told me it’s possible to have back your pre baby body also told me you’re vagina isn’t flapping in the wind, like throwing a hotdog down a bowling alley kind of thing after you give birth. I was afraid my vagina would be all kinds of gross and never go back to the way it was. Just to let you know, it does go back to normal! And for proof, unless he’s a dirty liar, my husband says it’s the same as it was before baby.

I’m sure there are a ton more things I could tell you about post labour, and perhaps I could add a few more in future entries. But for now, it’s 1:30am and I’m becoming brain dead. I hope this gives some of you some relief and some of you frightened enough not to have children 🙂
Mumma C

Good parent?

It’s 6:06 pm and I’m already laying my sweet ass down to bed, and yes this is normal for me. The baby’s bedtime has now become the parent’s bedtime, and I’m lovin it. So what’s my excuse since he’s not here… um, I’m lazy and I love bed? Although last night I actually left the house at 10pm to see the supermoon, which wasn’t very super, but then I got scared because it was dark out and ran back inside. I haven’t seen darkness around me in so long I forgot what it looked like. I’m also currently wearing my new Jaws shirt, and I don’t like it as much… maybe it’ll grow on me once I wear it in public and people tell me how awesome it is.

So I thought tonight I should steer a little towards the main purpose of my blog, and get back to parenting. I’ve been told, not very often mind you, by people that they think I’m a good mom and doing a good job with Cobain. I always say thank you and mumble something under my breathe like, how the hell would you know? People who aren’t with us 24 hours a day, or even for an hour out of a month aren’t very reliable sources on what makes me a good mom. For all they know I bring Cobain out of his closet when people visit, which is never, so technically he’s always in his closet. When friends or family see me with Cobain sure I feed him once in a while, give him some face squeezes, and change his diaper, if I remember, and I always think to myself, is that what they consider makes a good mom? I feel like the only person who could make an accurate statement of whether I’m a good mom or not is my husband because he’s the one who has to deal with our stupid ugly faces all day and night. I feel when people tell you you’re a good mother they think it’s the right thing to say, so they do, which just irritates me. It’s like when people tell you your baby is cute. You lyin’, you lyin’ to me, don’t fuckin lie. Cobain just happens to actually be cute, but other actual ugly babies. People think that’s what you should say when you meet a newborn or a child for the first time, but they’re all lying. I feel sorry for parents who think their child is cute, and everyone behind their backs are really saying, “good god, holy mother of mary that is one unfortunate looking child”. Hey, you want to know the truth about your kid on the ugly scale, and whether you’re a horrible mom or not, I’ll tell you! Don’t poop on my lawn and tell me it’s gold, or whatever the saying is, don’t just say the obligatory “you’re a good mom” cause I don’t want to hear it. Now, if you have something to back that statement up then please, shower me with compliments.

I know the truth hurts sometimes, but sometimes you have to hear it.
Mumma C

You look like my 12 year olds friend

20130623-155227.jpgI often go on rants to Tim about how people should really dress their age, otherwise they just look stupid and they’re not fooling anyone. He says if you like it, then wear it, I say, if your teenager would wear it, you probably shouldn’t. I agree to a point that if it’s something you like then go for it, but there should be some restrictions. For example, I’m all about the neon, transparent and crop tops, it’s bringing back nostalgia for those raised in the 90s… That’s why we wear it 20 years later, right? However when I see girls who are barely old enough to cross the street without an adult wearing said clothing items, I seriously reconsider my taste in clothes. I used to love American Eagle, every pair of pants and a lot of tops I owned were from there. Once I started noticing the reoccurring theme that I was old enough to be most people’s mom shopping there, I once again thought, time to reconsider your wardrobe. Tim always asks when is the time to switch, when do you start dressing like an adult? I figure in your late 20s you should be dressing a little more conservative and not have your shorts higher than your vagina, but that’s just me.
Today I was at H&M, this store by the way is quickly becoming my next “do not enter store”, but I can’t resist. That store is such a jumbled mess of everything I find it like Winners and you really have to search for that diamond in the ruff. So as I’m near the back of the store I come across the band type shirts, some Pink Floyd, etc. Side note, band shirts should not be bought unless you like the band! Anyways, I stumble across a gem of the 70s, a Jaws tank top. I have a long history with that movie and it’s just something one cannot pass up. I snag the last small and happily start walking away, just as a 15 or so year old comes across the same shirt. Damnit. Looks like I’ll be putting this one back on the shelf. I thought maybe she’d just think it was some Shark Week movie and move on, but she kept sifting through, assumedly trying to find a small as well. Mua hahaha, I had the last one. Then her stupid fat friend looks around and finds one on display that’s a small, and the girl holds it up and looks like she’s going to take it. I’m thinking to myself, bitch you don’t even KNOW Jaws, put that shit back and go find a crop top! I was so into this shirt that I couldn’t bring myself to put it back even if someone half my age wore one as well. As I was walking up to the cash I saw the girl again with her hands empty. The shirt was too much for her to handle, so she put it back. So another day, another shirt that perhaps isn’t appropriate for my age, or maybe it’s not appropriate for a 15 year old… Yah, I’ll go with that.
Stay tuned for my interview update tonight!
Mumma C

It could be okay… And I don’t mean raising kids

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No Instagram filter, no editing, post baby body and I’m here to tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel. No, I’m not talking about getting over the horrors of raising children, or that your kids won’t blame you for everything that went wrong in their lives. But rather, if you’ve just had a baby, or are even a year in, for some of you, there can be hope for having that pre baby body return. The only reason I say some of you is because that is reality. That loose skin, that I for one was sure I would have, is something that no matter how much you workout will never go away. Stretch marks are a motherfucking bitch, that no matter what you do, Bio oil or coconut rub, or speciality mud from the Congo, they ain’t going nowhere. Besides having incredibly good genes and bypassing baby stretch marks, I’ve been able to get my weight back down and be even smaller than my pre pregnancy weight. But don’t get me wrong, I may have lost the weight, but my stomach still isn’t perfect, and if we want to get down to the reality of it, I do have stretch marks on my body. So don’t think I haven’t experienced them for myself, and know for a fact they don’t disappear, you can rely on my word. If any women actually read my blog, you are probably cursing me right now, but hear me out. I want those of you who are in this beginning stage of just having a baby to know and I’ll be the one person to tell you, there can be hope of a skinnier you! Only one other parent has told me this good news, so I just want to keep spreading the joy.

I know I should’ve have been like every parent and been worried if my boy had all 10 fingers and toes, but I was more concerned whether that leftover skin would ever go away. When one of my friends told me it was possible that it would go away I was hesitant, but eventually it made me feel better.
Now don’t think this blog will provide dieting tips or a weight loss regime, it’s simply to let you know that not all of you who have children are destined for that loose skin, never to be discarded, we all are convinced mothers have. Some of you are probably disgusted with my selfishness and seeming lack of concern for the health of my child. I’m not all sour grapes people, just remember this is the blog that tells you how it really is and not what people typically say out loud. I’m willing to bet on this one that more mothers than you think were immediately concerned with their body, both before baby was born and after. Don’t think for one second I wasn’t concerned about baby sirs, I was, but I also had my body in mind.
Even if I made just one recent, or soon to be mom feel a little relieved, I’m happy.
Mumma C