Axed

Oh readers I come to you with a heavy, and pissed heart. Two days ago my boss told me to leave my entire set of keys in my mailbox because her boyfriend had to do something with them. Um ok, weird, but ok. Then tonight I get an email saying this dog walking thing with me just wasn’t working out. Yeah. You read me right, I was fired from the most embarrassing job to begin with. The reasoning: STUPID MOTHERFUCKING BABYSITTER. My boss said I was late three times and she can’t rely on that inconsistency with her business (not word for word, I’m more articulate than she). My babysitter was obviously late more than three times, but the times I couldn’t compensate I had to tell my boss. Remember that blog where I was complaining about my babysitter’s irresponsible lateness? Yeah, that in turn was responsible for me being fired, un-fucking-believable. Also remember when I said I was embarrassed to tell people what I did for a job? Well now I’m even more embarrassed to say I was fired from said job.
So back to the drawing board, job search, job search and pray to Jebus something comes my way. I’m getting a little sick of the luck we’ve been having since moving to Kingston, so I think I’m owed a little something.
Mumma C

Piano man

I thought it would be mean to just have a boring “hey look at me, I’m finally into up to date technology with a Facebook page” as my only entry today. I’ve got to give my new readers a little mmm mmm taste of what they’re getting themselves into *oh god, the pressure of being my hilarious self*.
So there’s this one dog I walk every day and the owners are stuck up snobs who hire people to walk their dog. I realize it seems anyone who hires a dog walker is a snob, but that isn’t the case. We cater to the elderly, people who work (I know, weird right?), and the wealthy snobs. However I believe our company is at the bottom of the totem pole for dog walking businesses in the Kingston area, don’t ask why, just a feeling I have. Anyway, this particular family is never home when I walk their dog, I do occasionally run into their maid though… Yeah, they have a maid. However they have at least one kid who is definitely older than most of my underwear, who can walk across the street without adult accompaniment and is home EVERY time I get there. Um am I the only one who sees something wrong with this picture? You lazy little self important, I’m too good to walk my own fucking dog– GO WALK YOUR FUCKING DOG! This family could be saving hundreds of dollars a month by having their stupid kid do it, but instead they hire someone else to do it. The dog is just as stuck up as the owners. Daily I say to myself that she’s behaving like a stubborn bitch because of who her owners are. If she doesn’t want to walk in a particular direction, you better believe you’re taking the route she wants to, otherwise she’ll just sit and wait till you give in. Bitch.
To add to the beauty of the situation every time I would go to the house someone would be playing the piano. I began hearing the piano before I saw who was playing it, and thought they were quite good, good voice, but played the same damn thing every single time. So this went on for a couple weeks, piano playing every time I went to the house, which was the same time every day. I was beginning to wonder if this person was just doing it to show off when I came around. I forgot about it for a while, but then became convinced when I was maybe 5 meters from the house (who am I kidding, I know nothing of measurements). Lets just say I was out of sight of the house. I didn’t hear anything, but the second I came up to the house the piano man started belting out that same stupid song. So I’m thinking, this person is definitely trying to show off, and for the dog walker, haha, not so cool now are ya? A couple days ago I popped my head in to ask something and it was the kid, with the same singing voice! The kid was trying to impress the dog walker, how sweet. Hey, you know what would really impress me? You walking your own dog!
I had been saving this story and now that it’s out of my brain and into words, it doesn’t seem as funny as it did in my head… Awkwarrrrd.
Hope you got a laugh anyway, new and old readers alike.
Mumma C

Spankin new

I’ve come to the realization that I’m embarrassed to tell people what I do when asked. I should have realized after going to a 90 year olds birthday party with complete strangers and being asked. In this particular situation I simply said I was between jobs, to which someone replied, “Oh that’s fun, keep things fresh and new”. Uh, yea, that’s it, I’m keepin it real, a 27 year old who still doesn’t have her shit together. The shitty thing is that it’s not as if I’m sitting around watching Judge Judy hoping a job will fall into my lap (actually I do watch Judge Judy). As times have changed and you don’t pound the pavement like our parents did, we simply forward our résumé to a company and hope our email address is stupid enough to grab their attention.
While being in Kingston I’ve only had two interviews, and as you all know, did not pan out. So I’ve decided to add a little spunk to my emails to grab HRs attention. I was thinking something like, “hey did you know the bodybreakers Joanne and Hal are on the Canadian Amazing Race, neato” or “I can bench press a grown man, and yes I realize this does not relate to this job in the slightest, just thought you should know”. I only will do this for jobs that I’m way under qualified for or ones I don’t care either way if I get called. I figure it can’t hurt to throw a little of my crazy in there, at this point I have nothing to lose.
Also shout out to my New Zealand readers, safe trip home and thanks for reading!
Mumma C

Missed you

Hello readers! Turns out having a job takes away from having any free time, boo, so I haven’t been able to write at all. I’ve missed you guys, hope you missed me too 🙂

I had Sunday off, only one day, so I decided to drive to London and back in one day. Luckily I had a good friend who is as nuts as me and was willing to do the drive with me to pick up mr sirs. Tim had to unforeseeably stay in London for an undetermined amount of time and I couldn’t not have sirs home again. The trip luckily was pretty uneventful except for driving in second gear in an automatic car. We made it just to Toronto and I already blew through an entire tank of gas. My dad lent me his car so I was pissed he gave me such a gas guzzler, and I called him three times to ask what the hell was wrong with his car. Between the three of us we finally figured out that I was in second gear which apparently is like going 120 mph. No wonder I spent 100 dollars in gas just in three hours!

So my sirs is back home and I’m working and frantically looking for childcare again. The 16 year old we interviewed was a good idea but once we asked her to work she said she would be gone for a month this summer; how fucking helpful kid. Long story short she luckily isn’t going until August so her first official day is Monday! I already have the teddies, just need to get those tiny little cameras to hide in the bear’s ass to spy on the girl. That sounded more creepy then I meant it, to see what she’s doing with sirs, not what she’s doing in the bathroom!

The job is going well, however met the creepiest man and the dog from hell this week. When there is a new client my boss goes and brings one of us to meet them and their dog. My boss and I go to the lower income housing area and we meet toothless joe with his cute dog. My boss needs to fill out a bunch of paperwork but the client didn’t want us going up to his apartment. My boss, “Well, um, where is her leash, water?” “Oh it’s just right at the door, you don’t need to worry about any of that”. Meanwhile I’m the one who has to go into this apartment first to get the dog the next day and I’m thinking of an exit strategy when the door bolts shut behind me. Toothless joe sitting in his chair with his fingers Mr. Burns style and his dog sitting obediently at his side. Luckily his apartment was relatively normal, minus the heap of dirty dishes with fruit flies, and toothless joe was absent. The dog turns out to be the horrid one and chooses to bolt into traffic to jump on cars. What dog does that?? Since I almost lost my arm I didn’t have to see that dog again, hopefully it’ll stay that way!

Mumma C

First day

Good evening readers. I would have written sooner but walking dogs took a lot out of me! I don’t have my usual witty and hilarious post tonight, mostly because it was the most uneventful first day I’ve ever had.

I shadowed one of the three employees at this company, and she was so organized, no room for error kind of girl nothing went wrong during my first day. Usually during my first day at anything I want to throw up the night before, I run through the list of uncertainties and don’t sleep the whole evening. The morning of I want to throw up some more, skip breakfast, probably shit myself a little, and have a tummy ache the entire drive to work. For this job I had zero stomach upsets the night before, slept like a beauty, and woke up only wanting to throw up a little. So all in all I thought this was a great start to my new job. I even woke up on time, didn’t actually have breakfast, but not due to nervous nausea but simply lack of hunger.

Since I’m kind of a loser, last night I went to see where I had to be in the morning so I didn’t have to stress about it the morning off. So this morning I knew exactly where I was going and was there 10 minutes early to meet the girl I was shadowing. We walked approximately 10 dogs in about 5 hours. Most of the dogs were real sweet and made me miss having one, but I also remembered how much I HATE picking up dog shit. Stupid dog. Clean up your own shit. There was a lot of driving, a lot of rules, and a lot of things to remember. Some owners were so ridiculous about their dogs like “she must let you walk out the door first, walk her to the left, leash approximately slacked at 5″ from your waist, don’t let her eat anything near the daycare” etc etc. Some rules I thought were a little silly, and still do, and I’ll probably just end up walking the dog like anyone would walk a dog. Put the leash on, go for a walk… done.

All in all I’d have to say it’s one of the best first days I’ve had. What’s even better is that you don’t have to deal with any people; not many people can say that about their job and you know that’s what most people would love in their job. Now I did get the impression that the schedule is all over the place and I get a new one everyone day, so that seems like it’d be a bit stressful as there’s no continuity to your life. We’ll see how that craziness pans out, but for now I’m getting paid to hang with animals, get a tan and lots of exercise.

Mumma C