Axed

Oh readers I come to you with a heavy, and pissed heart. Two days ago my boss told me to leave my entire set of keys in my mailbox because her boyfriend had to do something with them. Um ok, weird, but ok. Then tonight I get an email saying this dog walking thing with me just wasn’t working out. Yeah. You read me right, I was fired from the most embarrassing job to begin with. The reasoning: STUPID MOTHERFUCKING BABYSITTER. My boss said I was late three times and she can’t rely on that inconsistency with her business (not word for word, I’m more articulate than she). My babysitter was obviously late more than three times, but the times I couldn’t compensate I had to tell my boss. Remember that blog where I was complaining about my babysitter’s irresponsible lateness? Yeah, that in turn was responsible for me being fired, un-fucking-believable. Also remember when I said I was embarrassed to tell people what I did for a job? Well now I’m even more embarrassed to say I was fired from said job.
So back to the drawing board, job search, job search and pray to Jebus something comes my way. I’m getting a little sick of the luck we’ve been having since moving to Kingston, so I think I’m owed a little something.
Mumma C

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Piano man

I thought it would be mean to just have a boring “hey look at me, I’m finally into up to date technology with a Facebook page” as my only entry today. I’ve got to give my new readers a little mmm mmm taste of what they’re getting themselves into *oh god, the pressure of being my hilarious self*.
So there’s this one dog I walk every day and the owners are stuck up snobs who hire people to walk their dog. I realize it seems anyone who hires a dog walker is a snob, but that isn’t the case. We cater to the elderly, people who work (I know, weird right?), and the wealthy snobs. However I believe our company is at the bottom of the totem pole for dog walking businesses in the Kingston area, don’t ask why, just a feeling I have. Anyway, this particular family is never home when I walk their dog, I do occasionally run into their maid though… Yeah, they have a maid. However they have at least one kid who is definitely older than most of my underwear, who can walk across the street without adult accompaniment and is home EVERY time I get there. Um am I the only one who sees something wrong with this picture? You lazy little self important, I’m too good to walk my own fucking dog– GO WALK YOUR FUCKING DOG! This family could be saving hundreds of dollars a month by having their stupid kid do it, but instead they hire someone else to do it. The dog is just as stuck up as the owners. Daily I say to myself that she’s behaving like a stubborn bitch because of who her owners are. If she doesn’t want to walk in a particular direction, you better believe you’re taking the route she wants to, otherwise she’ll just sit and wait till you give in. Bitch.
To add to the beauty of the situation every time I would go to the house someone would be playing the piano. I began hearing the piano before I saw who was playing it, and thought they were quite good, good voice, but played the same damn thing every single time. So this went on for a couple weeks, piano playing every time I went to the house, which was the same time every day. I was beginning to wonder if this person was just doing it to show off when I came around. I forgot about it for a while, but then became convinced when I was maybe 5 meters from the house (who am I kidding, I know nothing of measurements). Lets just say I was out of sight of the house. I didn’t hear anything, but the second I came up to the house the piano man started belting out that same stupid song. So I’m thinking, this person is definitely trying to show off, and for the dog walker, haha, not so cool now are ya? A couple days ago I popped my head in to ask something and it was the kid, with the same singing voice! The kid was trying to impress the dog walker, how sweet. Hey, you know what would really impress me? You walking your own dog!
I had been saving this story and now that it’s out of my brain and into words, it doesn’t seem as funny as it did in my head… Awkwarrrrd.
Hope you got a laugh anyway, new and old readers alike.
Mumma C

Facebook page

This isn’t going to be an exciting, hilarious post like my usual ones, but just to give my none Facebook readers a heads up. I was convinced and hand held into creating a Facebook page for my blog and this is to let you know it’s up and running! The link to view/like is on the right hand side so please visit and enjoy. Everything that I post there is with you guys in mind, random thoughts I don’t write blogs on, or pictures, some relating to previous entries. Lots of love and thanks again for all the support.
Mumma C

Spankin new

I’ve come to the realization that I’m embarrassed to tell people what I do when asked. I should have realized after going to a 90 year olds birthday party with complete strangers and being asked. In this particular situation I simply said I was between jobs, to which someone replied, “Oh that’s fun, keep things fresh and new”. Uh, yea, that’s it, I’m keepin it real, a 27 year old who still doesn’t have her shit together. The shitty thing is that it’s not as if I’m sitting around watching Judge Judy hoping a job will fall into my lap (actually I do watch Judge Judy). As times have changed and you don’t pound the pavement like our parents did, we simply forward our résumé to a company and hope our email address is stupid enough to grab their attention.
While being in Kingston I’ve only had two interviews, and as you all know, did not pan out. So I’ve decided to add a little spunk to my emails to grab HRs attention. I was thinking something like, “hey did you know the bodybreakers Joanne and Hal are on the Canadian Amazing Race, neato” or “I can bench press a grown man, and yes I realize this does not relate to this job in the slightest, just thought you should know”. I only will do this for jobs that I’m way under qualified for or ones I don’t care either way if I get called. I figure it can’t hurt to throw a little of my crazy in there, at this point I have nothing to lose.
Also shout out to my New Zealand readers, safe trip home and thanks for reading!
Mumma C

Tips for not losing weight

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As I stuff my face full of homemade banana muffins at 10 o’clock at night, I thought I should pass on my weight loss tricks to you all. And by weight loss, I mean staying the same, or gaining.
1. Always eat just before going to bed. I always think, my body digests the food while I’m sleeping, no need to stop before 7.
2. If you’re going to eat before bed make sure it’s fatty, building up your carbs at this time is the best time for optimal weight gain… I mean loss.
3. Exercise vigorously during the day so as to totally dehydrate yourself, then stuff your face full of grains and fatty carbs when you get home. And don’t forget to add your midnight snack.
4. If you do exercise, it’s not suggested, but if you must, only focus on one part of your body. Keep doing the same amount and time for that one body part.
5. When you have the time, because I mean who does these days, grab quick, fatty, greasy fast food. I always find this is the easiest way to live and I figure it can’t catch up with my weight gain goals, right?
6. This is an added bonus but have children, it will do wonders for your body. No woman will ever tell you having babies fucked her body, it only enhanced it.
After stuffing those three muffins in my mouth, and enjoying them, I find myself wanting to ralf after writing these tips. Hope you enjoyed a laugh, if it made you laugh, if not, fuck you 🙂
Mumma C

So many rants, so little time

Hello all! I realize it’s been a while since my last post and the shitty thing is that I had so many things to complain amount during my absence, shame. Since all of those things have now floated away this post will more than likely be a mish mash (if that’s a word).
I still haven’t looked into the daycare thing, surprise surprise, I’m not a procrastinator. I keep thinking once my babysitter leaves me in August that will give me the push I need to actually look into childcare. Speaking of the babysitter, things are still fine with her although she makes me late for work usually twice a week, which is a real piss off. I have to remind her that her being late for work makes me late for work, but yet it keeps happening. I can’t yell at her and tell her how irresponsible that is, like I want to, so I instead gently reminder she’s a fucking idiot. I have also discovered she has an insane artistic ability. I walked in last night and she was finishing a portrait of Ellen Degeneres and it was probably one of the best drawings I’ve ever seen. When I told Tim this the first thing he asks is if she’s a lesbian. Uh… Moving along… And, maybe. But I’m thinking of having her do something for me, and I don’t mean sexually, if she is gay. I thought um maybe a portrait of sirs, but that is something every parent would want, boooooring, so maybe some artwork, just not sure what yet. Plus I feel every wall is covered in our house and it just seems insulting to have someone pour their heart and soul into something and then you hang their art above your toilet.
Still looking for a job elsewhere, no go still and I’m really beginning to think it’s never going to happen in this one horse town. Dog walking is still dog walking, pickin up poop one day at a time, making the big bucks. Nothing really exciting to report there.
Just wanted to drop a post at least just so you know I’m still out here, you know, leading the exciting life that is, my life?
Mumma C

No money mo problems

For now child labor is working out for us because we are poor and can somewhat afford her, but come September, that’s another story. As much as I’d like our very own Mary Poppins who makes medicine seem like crack… Mmm gimmie dat shit; we can’t afford it. I have briefly looked into daycare because it’s the cheaper option and sirs really needs to start meeting kids his age. The brief encounters sirs has had with other children did not bode well. One little girl his age he met charged at him and he pushed her down (he can’t even stand! Figure that out). Then her foot was touching his and he shoved her foot away from him… I think our child may be a bit of a diva. So clearly this child needs some human contact other than his awesome parents.
What I really don’t understand is how in the hell parents pay for childcare! The money the government gives you monthly for childcare could barely cover the cost of my smokes and booze, let alone a month of care for my child. I was looking at one daycare near us that offers subsidiary payment (if that’s the right word), where your payment matches your income, so that’s something I’ll be looking into. For those of you who maybe don’t have the highest paying jobs, or do that payment/income thing, what are your suggestions for being able to pay for childcare? I truly don’t understand how people pay for childcare and screw all of you with good, stable jobs, I don’t want to hear from you.
Stupid money, can you win the lottery without playing?
Mumma C